The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
When all else fails, follow instructions.
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two types of people: those who divide people
into two types, and those who don't.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age:
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
You always find something the last place you look.
A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
1. When in doubt, mumble.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in charge, ponder.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
If you have something to do, and you put it off long
enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Law of Secrecy:
The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Cutler Webster's Law:
There are two sides to every argument unless a man is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.
1. What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
2. If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something
will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
The other line moves faster.
Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line --
the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.
At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits is the one not on sale.
Adam's Corollary: It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain -- it doesn't fit.
First Law of Expert Advice:
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
The tire is only flat on the bottom.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
The 19 Rules for good Riting:
1. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
2. Just between you and I, case is important.
3. Verbs has to agree with their subject.
4. Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
5. Don't use no double negatives.
6. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
7. When dangling, don't use participles.
8. Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
9. And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
10. Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
11. About sentence fragments.
12. In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
13. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
14. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
15. Don't abbrev.
16. Check to see if you any words out.
17. In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not
get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he
does not really need.
18. Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to
end a sentence with.
19. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
1. If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
2. A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
The Ike Tautology:
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
The Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
John's Collateral Corollary:
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Last guys don't finish nice.
The only way a reporter should look at a politician is down.
First Law of Laboratory Work
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
No child throws up in the bathroom.
Law of Local Anesthesia
Never say "oops" in the operating room.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
The alternative to getting old is depressing.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The
other is that they do.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Research is reading two books that have never been read in
order to write a third that will never be read.
Law of Nations:
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a
developed country, don't breathe the air.
Secret sources are more credible.
Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent
of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nursing Mother Principle:
Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.
The Obvious Law:
Actually, it only SEEMS as though you mustn't be deceived by appearances.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Paradox of Selective Equality:
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
Parkin's Law of Irritation:
Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will
happen at least once more.
Dolly Parton's Principle:
The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
You can't fall off the floor.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Anyone you have a crush on will have only two of these
three characteristics: beauty, brains, and availability.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some
of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for
appointments when you're not.
Sharkey's Fourth Law of Motion:
Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as
people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies.
1. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
2. Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
3. There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Law of Superstition:
It's bad luck to be superstititious.
Thinking Man's Tautology:
If you think you're wrong, you're wrong.
Corollary: If you think you're wrong, you're right.
If it happens, it must be possible.
1. Sooner or later things will more or less happen every now and then.
2. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Wolf's Law of Planning:
A good place to start from is where you are.
Woods's Incomplete Maxims:
1. All's well that ends.
2. A penny saved is a penny.
Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.